Use Me, Use You

Moving to a new city, starting a new job, making new friends; everyone knows that that this is truly difficult. But what people remember about these experiences is what happens in the movies and not what actually goes on in this new millennium we live in. No one moves to a new city and doesn’t download some sort of app for socialization. In this new age finding a love connection, if that’s what you would like to call it, is way higher on the “must have list” or at least technology has made it seem that way by making it more accessible. This is where my NYC story begins.

Prior to moving to New York City my phone was absent from the wretched dating apps everyone shames but secretly have hidden away 4 pages deep in some folder labeled with a random emoji. But like everyone else I gave in navigated the app store to download Tinder. I guess Tinder is supposed to symbolize the sparks that can occur between two people, like tinder (pun intended), if they hit it off. From experience just as fast as sparks can occur with tinder, a fire can engulf an entire room. Swipe left; Swipe right. You…

Wild nights served on ice; it all started so fast and how frequently we were sharing our time together felt as if we were in this together. Dinners, bars, movies we shared the expenses but we also shared the experiences. Two months had gone by our time spent together just piling up. It was the time of year where roses are bought and cheesy cards are exchanged to the ones whose company makes our heart flutter. So I got you a scarf. Something small, just enough to show that I paid attention that one day when you mentioned you needed a thicker scarf. Showing you my attentiveness when you said that you prefer to wear only different shades of black. To show that it was you who made my feet leave the ground when we would kiss every time we said hello or goodbye, a special kind of handshake.

I asked where we were going in our relationship . You said you hadn’t been transparent enough. You said that my “friendship” meant a lot to you. You said all this shit but all I heard was “I used you”. I used you to pass the time. I used your generosity despite always knowing my intentions. I used your late nights. I used your naivety to NYC. But what am I to do when I live in a city with one friend and a boy like others before him added another crack to my Picasso heart. I liked you and at that point in time you were the only person in my life I hadn’t ever lied to until I replied…

“I’m okay with being friends…”

            So yes we still hangout and yes my heart has started to fill in the crack. But now it is now my turn to use you.

One thought on “Use Me, Use You

  1. Ah me. We queer men are SO afraid of intimacy. We’ll engage in the most intense sexual hi jinx but still keep each other at arm’s length. Are we even noticing? Are we even noticing how much energy it takes to fuck a man while keeping him at arm’s length at the same time?


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